By: Maalvika Bhuvansunder
Recovery is a word that can be seen as both, something positive and negative. On one hand, recovery signifies better times, better life ahead, and no more pain. However, it also reminds us of what we had to lose in the process, the reality that we had something we needed to recover from, and a lot of other things. Recovery is even scarier when we do not know if it would last long or if it is just the calm before the storm.
My already low self-esteem took an even more downward spiral.
During our journey of recovery, we might not be our best selves. There is a lot we might have given up and the loss feels more real when we are healthier. Post my surgery and remission I started comparing my journey with others and started realizing all the ways I have been lacking behind. My career was on hold for the two years that I was in a horrible flare, my master's grades were not as great due to my flares, and my social life was practically non-existent. My already low self-esteem took an even more downward spiral, which was surprising, as I had expected being in remission would help improve my self-esteem. What did not help were comments of people saying finally I would stop crying all the time or that at least now I can start having a career. I started comparing myself to those my age and started resenting myself for not being where they were. In this process, I was becoming a bitter person who was unhappy with others' success and was wallowing in self-pity.
A year ago I could not get out of bed or eat a single morsel of food. Now, I am healthier, able to eat what I love, and do things I have wanted to do.
What I forgot to realize was that being in remission is my growth! A year ago I could not get out of bed or eat a single morsel of food. Now, I am healthier, able to eat what I love, and do things I have wanted to do. This is a huge accomplishment for anyone with a chronic illness! I did some self-reflection and realized I was being too harsh on myself. I am a part of a fellowship that helps others like me and I realized how big of an accomplishment this is! There is no fixed definition of growth and success. Instead of feeling bitter over others' success, I started being a part of their happiness. They were there for me when I was at my lowest, so it is my turn to be there for them. I started celebrating the small successes in my life and it made me feel proud of myself. One of the steps to recovering was accepting the fact that it is okay if I am not on the same path as others, as my journey is my own and is unique. Our bodies have been through a lot, so the fact that we can function with all the pain is a huge accomplishment. Our society is always going to have this “fixed” measurement of success. However, setting my definition of growth and success made me feel free and liberated.
“Each person has their journey and there is no fixed timeline for achieving goals in life.”