By: Laurel Dorr
cw: Body Image
When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s, I wasn’t prepared for all the ways it would change my relationship to my body. In particular, I didn’t know how it would affect my body image. When I was at my sickest, I dropped to my lowest weight since I was a teenager. As soon as I was diagnosed and started my first course of steroids, I lost about thirty pounds in as many days. I was getting sicker when I should have gotten better. Everyone seemed surprised that I was losing weight on prednisone. My weight stayed down for several months. I complained about it being a constant reminder of how unwell I was or how strange this new body felt. But beneath that, I was also relieved.
I didn’t have a very body-positive perspective to begin with, and I had struggled with my weight for years. Finally, the number on the scale had started to budge. Once I started to stabilize on my second biologic, I took my renewed appetite as a positive sign that my condition was improving… until my weight started to creep back up. And up. And up. Of course, I knew that I needed to eat more than a couple pieces of toast a day to get well. After more than a dozen iron infusions, I knew that I needed more nutrients to keep my anemia at bay. I knew this fuel was even clearing away my brain fog. However, I was also acutely aware of how differently my clothes fit. How the large-frame glasses I’d bought a year before looked goofily small on my steroid-swollen face. I made adjustments, with increasing frequency, to Zoom camera angles and selfies, trying to look more like my old self, and I avoided looking at pictures of myself on social media.
After being on prednisone for almost a year straight, I gained more than double the weight I’d lost at the beginning. Prednisone made me feel terrible in a lot of ways, but the way it altered my body image was the worst. Finally, I was put on a medication that allowed me to wean off—and for awhile, stay off—steroids. All of the not-myself-ness I’d been feeling melted away, almost immediately. My appetite became more manageable, and I had the energy to treat my body in healthier ways—better sleep, more movement. It didn’t happen overnight, but my body slowly began to feel more like it used to.
That doesn’t mean things are back to “normal,” whatever that means. Even if my weight continues to go down, my body simply isn’t the same. I described the extremes of my weight changes, but the reality is that it still fluctuates back and forth, as medication doses and other factors shift over time. I’m coming off yet another prednisone course now, and it might not be the last time I need it. Even if it is, weight fluctuations aren’t unusual, especially with Crohn’s disease—at least for now, these changes are relatively normal for me.
After all those months struggling with my body image, I’ve become more accepting of these changes, the inevitability of them. Some of it is out of my control, some of it isn’t; but none of it is a punishment. More importantly, I just don’t think about my body image as much anymore. This is the body I have today. Some days, it’s that simple. There are things I like about it, and things I don’t. Some days, those things change, or are more noticeable. But I’ve learned to look at it with less judgment. I buy new clothes when I need to, instead of squeezing into pieces I’m not comfortable in. I don’t avoid taking pictures with my friends, and I don’t cringe when I see unflattering angles of myself. Some days, I’m better at taking care of my body than others; but I also recognize that my weight is not a direct reflection of how “healthy” or “fit” I am at any given time. I’m allowed to live in this body, whatever it looks like. I deserve to enjoy this body. Right now, that’s enough.