By Rachael Whittemore
*I am writing from the point of view of a heterosexual, cis-gender woman.
Dating, romance, intimacy, relationships…All of these things can sound intimidating to anyone and even more so to someone living with IBD. There are the physical and emotional challenges we deal with every day to try to get to a positive place for ourselves. We get nervous before dates too, but instead of nervous butterflies, it feels like nervous knives wrenching your stomach. Worrying about not having a bathroom nearby or not making it to the bathroom is commonly in the forefront of our minds. Sometimes, we wonder, where does that leave any room for the thought of romance? As humans, many of us like to be in control of who we choose to interact with and count on this control to extend how we present ourselves to a potential partner, both physically and emotionally. When some of that control is lost as we navigate life with IBD, dating and romance may not seem attractive (pun intended).
Though everyone’s experience with romance and dating is different, I think there are some great things to keep in mind when approaching it as someone who lives with a chronic illness. There can be a lot of pressure from friends and family to get out there and try to meet someone...I know I’ve felt it before. And sometimes we want connection and intimacy but not the label of a serious relationship - that’s ok too. In my experience, one of the most important things I’ve learned is that if you don’t feel ready to pursue dating/romance, you’re probably not ready. Sometimes something great comes out of the blue, but I have to feel comfortable with myself and my body to allow myself to be open to another person getting to know me on a more intimate level.
“I have to feel comfortable with myself and my body to allow myself to be open to another person..”
Right after my diagnosis at 23. I had lost weight, but felt disconnected from my body and was in no way ready to date.
A big challenge for me when I finally *felt comfortable* was anxiety about if or when I should disclose that I have IBD with a guy I’m seeing. I felt this pressure because meeting someone usually involves going out to eat or drink, and this requires more preparation for us than the average person. Would they question why I can’t go to certain restaurants? Will they think I’m weird if I don’t want to drink? Will they make fun of why I can’t eat dairy or avoid other foods? Using food and drink as a backdrop for conversation and as a way to meet someone suddenly becomes another thing to worry about. A few days before a date, I try to have a few restaurants in mind that work for my needs but are usually well-liked by others as well. Having options gives you power to have choices for yourself and also give your date some fun options! I don’t have a magic formula for how you approach every date, but I usually try to be up front and open about any dietary restrictions or just say “I’m not drinking tonight” and leave it at that. If the guy I’m with seems genuine and wants to know more, sometimes this has opened up conversation to the “why.” I’ve definitely said: “It stinks I can’t try that awesome-sounding beer, but I have GI issues I deal with so am skipping that tonight.” Most are respectful and don’t question it. One time, I was even able to share about my IBD with a guy after we had spent hours talking. We just connected really well, I was in a safe space and he genuinely wanted to know more. I would say that was a rare instance, but this helped educate someone about real issues of living with IBD and having a social life. Even if guys I went on dates with didn’t really get it, I appreciated their willingness to hear me out and not make me feel guilty or like an outsider for needing accommodations. If someone does make you feel guilty, they probably aren’t worth your time.
I’ve also been very lucky to feel secure and understood in my current relationship. An added plus is that my boyfriend works in the medical field and knew about my ulcerative colitis (UC) diagnosis prior to dating when we were friends. He was respectful whenever he asked questions about how I was feeling or about how I was diagnosed and being treated. He knows about my diet, what I have to avoid and doesn’t hold that against me. Bonus: he’s been a great partner in terms of helping me give up cheese and milk because he’s lactose intolerant too! Having open communication lets me feel comfortable sharing how I feel. If I’m flaring, he knows and understands when I have to shift my diet to bland food and stay away from alcohol and eating out. He checks in on how I’m doing mentally/physically in regards to IBD, but always in a supportive way. He also makes me feel beautiful and special inside and out, which is important to me since our bodies undergo lots of changes with IBD, from weight gain and loss to feelings of body disconnect and failure.
And in terms of going through periods of disconnect and acceptance with your body, it’s so important to have someone who respects your wishes and your body. If you aren’t ready to be physically intimate with someone, that’s ok. The complex pathophysiological way that IBD affects us can cause sexual dysfunction as well (1). Not to mention things like medication side effects, surgery, living with an ostomy, pain, coexisting anxiety/depression, fatigue, other medical conditions or being in the middle of a flare. All of these things can have an impact on our sexual health and you should never be discounted for not wanting or being ready for physical intimacy. Personally, when I’m flaring, I feel gross, dirty and don’t want to be physically intimate. I usually just want to focus on getting out of my flare, resting and maybe getting a backscratch here and there from my boyfriend. Discuss with your partner any expectations, worries and what you know works for you in terms of physical intimacy. It can take time and patience to figure out what feels good for you and when, and doesn’t cause pain or anxiety.
“...you should never be discounted for not wanting or being ready for physical intimacy.”
27 and trying to live my best life! Happy and feeling so supported in my current relationship.
That being said, there’s so much you could talk about in the topic of dating and intimacy. Feeling ready and connecting with someone who is respectful of you as a person - not just a person with IBD - is so important. Your value is not diminished because you have a chronic illness. Sure, it brings challenges, but we all deserve partners who care about, support us and cherish us, IBD and all. The ability to be vulnerable and communicate openly with someone about the physical and emotional challenges of living with IBD is important, and a vital part of any relationship, regardless if it’s casual or serious. When you do feel ready though, dating and healthy relationships takes time and work, but it can be a beautiful way to connect with someone else, share adventures, enjoy intimacy and even learn about yourself.