Diary Entry Eight Years into my IBD Journey

By: Divya Mehrish

Dear Body,

For eight years now, I have lived between your swollen walls: suffocating in the heat of flares but also learning how to call these walls home, to relax into the space that exists between flares, between battles, in the dim-lit corridor between health and illness. Body, I am still learning how to support you, how to best take care of you, how to recognize you even when the war raging inside me forces me to relinquish all the energy I have, when everything within me feels dangerous and foreign. It was eight years ago, when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, that I began to realize that my relationship with you would have to be closer than most relationships children usually need to carve out with their bodies. I knew that I would have to learn how to become more in tune with you, to be gentler with you, to coexist with you, to keep my ears open and listen to you with intention.

Eight years have elapsed, and I am still learning. I am still trying, every day, to strike this balance with you, to work together with you. Body, I want to apologize for all those times I have failed, and for all the times in the future when I will fail again. I want to say thank you for supporting me every step of the way, for never giving up on me, for sustaining me, for allowing me to continue my healing process, for shaping me into the resilient person I am today, for never giving up on me. This is a journey that we will always be embarking on, together, and I appreciate you for all that you have done for me.

There was a time when I resented you – when I dreamed of having an uncomplicated and straightforward body, one which would never suffer so young. But, I have grown to recognize that all the beautiful moments in my life have been made possible only by you, and even by the presence of those not-so-beautiful moments. And, I have grown to appreciate that there can be beauty in pain, in the experience of working through that pain, in becoming stronger from defeating that pain.

Body, it has taken me a while, but I am growing to love you. I am making a real effort to remain in the moment with you, to stay present, to bear witness to you. I know that you do the same for me. Body, I am proud of you. I am grateful to you for all that we have been through, together, and for all that we will continue to endure, to experience, to find joy in, to build a life out of. Body, I am growing to recognize that there exists no “you” and “me” in the relationship that we have developed with each other – I am learning to feel comfortable in the act of blurring these lines, in fully embodying you, in fully embodying myself. Thank you for waiting for me as I continue to make sense of you, of myself, of our journey.

Sincerely,

Divya