Written by Natasha Kacharia from the United States
Featured photo by Tara Winstead from Pexels.
Last year, I was applying for an internship. I do not remember what internship but that is not the point. This internship, like most, had a voluntary self-identification of disability section that goes on to list what a disability may include: blindness, deafness, cancer, etc. However, this list was different because it included gastrointestinal disorders.
I know. I know. The lists of disabilities are usually prefaced with the phrase: disabilities may include but are not limited too. Yet, the fact that this internship specifically bulleted my condition put an unexplainable smile on my face.
You see, the voluntary self-identification of disability section always stressed me out. I never knew what box to check: yes, no, or I do not wish to disclose.
Screensot from the Voluntary Self-Identification of Disability form
The fortunate or unfortunate reality of living with a chronic illness is that people do not see the constant stomach cramps, the hemorrhaging of blood, the fatigue, the insomnia, the arthritis, or the nausea, and they definitely do not see the psychological effects of the disease. No, when people look at me, they see a healthy, possibly a little unfit, college student.
Thus, when the disability section inevitably comes on the application, I always wonder what box to check: yes, no, or I do not wish to disclose.
The same questions always run through my head: Does my condition qualify as a disability? Am I disabled?
Do you understand my indecisiveness now? When people think disability, I am not the person they imagine.
However, with a singular phrase – gastrointestinal disorders – the internship made me feel seen. Finally, I was free from my indecisiveness and the weights of my secret. For a singular moment, my invisible illness did not feel so invisible anymore.
Yet, I still had trouble identifying as disabled. Was I only disabled when I was in a flare, or can I always check the disability box? Do employers only ask for disability disclosure to engage in affirmative action for individuals with disabilities? If so, then do I have the right to check the disabled box, as having an invisible illness, I have not been actively discriminated on due to it. Meeting other people within the chronic illness community simply made me more confused; some readily embraced the term disability, while others sheered away from the term chronically ill. I met people whose illnesses were far more severe than mine and did not self-identify the term disabled, so what gave me the right? Was I being overdramatic? The fact that the people surrounded me did not recognize my struggles did not give me the space to embrace my own struggles.
But I am done. I am done with self-doubt. I may have an invisible illness, but I am done being invisible. I am ready to dance in the open, so for my next application, I am going to check yes. Yes, I have a disability.