Libidinal Energy of an Emotional Eater with Colitis
Photo: Olga Kuraeva
By Tanisha Singh
In psychoanalysis, an area of great interest for me, the term ‘libido’ is used to describe the vital impulse/force or energy that directs all our action in a way. It is commonly misunderstood to refer to only a sexual instinct whereas it extends to basially every possible instinct we have, whether it is sleeping, waking up, eating food, working out, talking, working or not working, you name it. The reason we are able to function or operate and engage with our world at all is because there is a libidinal investment in things that propels us. To put it simply, desire for things helps us seek those, wakes us up in the morning, and gives meaning and purpose to our existence, and I would argue also a sense of direction in an otherwise whirlwind of impulses - both internal and external.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home turned me into an emotional eater. I would seek a lot of comfort in my chai and biscuit every evening. It soothed my nerves, eased my anxiety of being in a highly conflictual home. The sugar in the cookie gave me small bursts of happy hormones that were lacking through the day from being in an unhappy home. I don’t know if it was the depression or something else, but getting out of bed in the morning is a herculean task for me, from as far back as I can remember. The libidinal investment I had in food helped me out-do many anxious thoughts and feelings that would flood me upon waking up, lay on me like a weighted blanket, and help me get out of bed. I would bait myself out of bed saying, “Well, at least wake up for a soothing cup of chai and biscuits and the foods to follow.”
On being diagnosed with UC, and then understanding the role that diet plays in flare ups, I had to bring my emotional eating in control. My diet was pretty balanced and I wasn’t overeating or eating only processed unhealthy food. I enjoyed a nice home cooked meal just as much, and I enjoyed working out among other things. It was the occasional dessert that I used to self medicate from the existential pain that lives with me. I would argue it was a healthier (if not the healthiest) form of coping than drugs, or alcohol, that I could see myself being vulnerable to, given my mental health challenges. And so to have that taken away, especially because I manage my symptoms primarily through diet and herbal medicine, was crippling. (*A tiny caveat here would be to follow your doctor’s advice above all.)
I was crippled severely with anxiety and depressive feelings that I didn’t have my medicine for anymore. It took years for me to be able to develop another system of coping. And I, as a mental health practitioner, do believe that each needs to find their own way of a positive sort of coping, because life is crippling as it is. And to have a chronic illness affects not just the body but the mind, as the two are not separate. It affects your entire being.
And so I started to look for other forms of libidinal investments that I could make that would propel me forward in life, help me keep going and most importantly be able to wake up in the mornings. And such is the beauty and the complexity of the human psyche that it is full of multiple impulses shooting within us at all times, enticing us towards several different things. Desire! Such a wonderful source of energy if gathered in the right way! And so I focused on other aspects of my desire, other than food. An instinct just as powerful, for which we can go empty stomached for hours, gripped totally by the magic of artistic pursuit. There came dancing! It saved me. I decided to take it up seriously. Like really get into the nuances of this artform. And that became a propeller for me to wake up and continue living. All this frustrated libidinal energy around food that wasn’t finding its resolution was now being directed towards dancing, psychoanalysis, music, my love for relational equations (friendships, the romance within it), my pet rabbit, my work as a therapist, my love for clothes! I found plenty that emerged from the creative impulses within my psyche that are equally as pressing as our desire for food, water, or air.
It was my learning that the human psyche, the body-mind, is layered, and multifaceted, and so when life damaged one or more aspects of it, whether it is one’s health, or finances, or relational grief, there is always more within the psyche that is still bubbling for expression, for experience. And we can ooze with life still using those psychic impulses, the creative juices that continue to flow as you go through the trials and tribulations of the human existence. So rage till the dying of the light. May you find several libidinal investments to make that create a structure for positive coping for you.
“Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
Cover photo by Kourosh Qaffari from Pexels