Being a kid is supposed to be a whimsical experience that one treasures and wants to have back. We long for those easier, good old days. But, when you are diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease at the age of 8, those childhood hopes can get lost.
When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, I did not know what it was. I remember telling my friends and them thinking I kept saying “Crow’s disease” (granted, I did have a speech impediment). Honestly, even I couldn't fully understand what was going on with my body. I felt alone, isolated, and trapped in my body. I felt frustrated because of the lack of support I felt from my peers and the lack of communication that I could provide to the people in my life. I felt confused as to whether I was being too dramatic or if I was really as sick as I thought I was. It becomes hard to trust your body and self when—for so long—your symptoms are not understood. Still today, these emotions can flood my body when I think about my diagnosis or even have to deal with unrelated health procedures. The body has a mysterious memory intact.
In response to these events, I have found that I tend to forget things related to it. To be honest, pretty much everything—specifically during my diagnosis phase of life—is most often a blur. Being diagnosed as a child really made me deeply struggle with the faults of reality and mortality and sickness early on. My body is easily triggered by hospitals or doctors. Whether my response bodily or emotional, I cannot immediately make sense of it all at the time.
I often struggle making sense of my diagnosis. Being diagnosed at such an early age, the disconnect between what was real and fake is hard. How could it have such a constant effect on my life when I forget most details surrounding it? It can be hard when you are surrounded by so many people who have such an understanding of their diagnosis and can write such beautiful lessons they have learned when most days I do not even remember what age I was diagnosed at. It is so easy to compare journeys, thinking your IBD is not as bad as the next, or that you feel alone with it. But what we can hold is that we don't have to be positive all the time. It can be painful and we can hold both the pain and the lessons we have learned. We do not have to make sense of our diagnoses. There does not always have to be a bright side to everything and that does not make you less of anything. Everyone has their bad days, whether you see them or not. Just remember that it is okay to struggle, it's okay if not everything makes sense, and we are so happy to have you here.
