Imagine you are in a relationship with a person and you want to take that relationship to the next level by taking the step towards being physically intimate. You take off your shirt and you hear a gasp. “What is that?” You look at your partner’s face and follow their gaze to your torso and you realize something at that moment: you had never told your partner what it means to be an ostomate. Ostomates live with a part of an organ exposed outside of their body but usually secured in an ostomy bag for the rest of their life. Although at first it is difficult to adapt to this visible change, ostomates soon became comfortable and adapted to their routine well. However, this new life for ostomates brings some changes to their personal life, especially to their physical relationship with their partner. Both ostomates and their partners should take steps to understand about ostomy life and give each other the benefit of doubt to further improve their relationship in a more intimate sense.
An ostomate should prepare themself physically and mentally to discuss their condition with their partner. This is important and necessary because post-surgery will bring a major change to their body. Along with it, an ostomate may feel anxiety, fear and concern about their body. Ostomates have to express their fear and worry to their partners to alleviate their distress of this new situation. An ostomate should understand that they can never ignore and hide their stoma from their partner forever. They should initiate small talks with their partner especially when they are ready to engage in physical intimacy after surgery. They can talk about what happened with the surgery, how the post-surgery life looks like, what is a stoma and how it looks like, ostomy pouch and what it does and how they change it and so on. These small conversations will directly educate their partner about what kind of changes an ostomate is going through and give them insights into what being an ostomy means to their relationship. An ostomate can take the following steps in order to engage in sexual life with their partner.
Take time and slowly expose the pouch and stoma to your partner. Your partner may show reactions such as shocked, scared, or even curious. Or they may not show any reactions as they are not sure on how to react to a stoma. They may not be sure on how to react also. Don’t get angry or disappointed with their reaction or lack of reaction in some cases. Most of the time, a partner will worry that they may hurt the stoma and dislodge the equipment during intercourse. Be patient and tell them how it does not affect your sexual life and how they can help you so it does not hurt during intercourse. Give your partner more time to ensure they feel safe, secure and comfortable to be together with you.
Take care of your pouch. The type of pouch plays a role in ostomate sexual life. It will be good if you wear a non-transparent pouch. Non-transparent pouch prevents your partner from seeing the exposed stoma and the contents of your pouch. The reason is, they might be scared to engage in sex when they see your stoma. So try a non-transparent pouch or alternatively you can buy or design your own “pouch covers”. Pouch covers can become a fashion statement and it can make you feel good too. Additionally, ensure your pouch is empty before engaging in intercourse. This is crucial to ensure there is no leakage or unpleasant smell during intercourse. You have to keep everything clean and neat beforehand to make it comfortable for both yourself and your partner.
Monitor your diet before engaging in sexual activities. See which food helps you and which does not. A good diet can lead to an improved sexual relationship between you and your partner. Avoid foods that create gas and odor especially beans, broccoli, corn, cabbage, and peas. Experiment about which food causes bad reactions and gas to you and avoid them or at least eat them sparingly. This will prevent your stoma pouch filling with gas. To keep it safe, try to use a gas filter pouch as this will keep your pouch flat and deodorize the gas.
An ostmate’s partner can also take several steps to ensure their relationship with their ostomate partner is healthy and good. As ostomates, they might go through a difficult time adjusting and even fear rejection. So, as a partner, be patient and give them time. As an ostomate’s partner, you can follow the following steps to have a better intimate relationship with them.
Don’t jump into a sexual relationship right after their surgery. You should remember that ostomy is considered major surgery and your ostomate partner needs time to adjust to their new normal. The surgery does not only put stoma outside but there is a high possibility of bowel and fistula track removal for those who have Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD). Your partner definitely need considerable amount of time to heal and gain back strength following their surgery.
Be mindful of your reactions and try not to create any distance with them. Your ostomate partner may feel rejected and feel lonely. Communication is the key solution in any issue. If your partner does not initiate their post-surgery life, try to initiate that conversation yourself. For instance, discuss with your partner about physical intimacy and experiment with different positions so that they may not feel uncomfortable. Keep in mind that most stoma patients will not engage in intercourse for weeks or months after surgery.
Seek professional advice from sex consultants, Enterostomal Therapy (ET) nurses, or IBD advocates to educate yourself about your partner's sexual issues. Generally, professionals will provide solutions to improve on both you and your partners’ emotions and also how to manage your sexual life. Professionals may not solve the core problem for you but they will be able to provide suggestions, or solutions from their research and work with other patients. They can also talk about your concerns, make you understand your feelings better and give meaningful and constructive advice for you.
Being intimate is highly possible for an ostomate and their partner if both take time with their new situation and be supportive of each other. Be positive and engage in activities that make you happy and healthy. When you find a new partner, talk to them about your ostomate life and be open to answer questions honestly. Communicating with each other about your needs, wants, concerns and fears can go a long way in ensuring a healthy and meaningful life together.
