What I Wish My Newly-Diagnosed Self Knew

Sitting in the patient chair, hearing your doctor say “you have Inflammatory Bowel Disease” can be terrifying and change your life in a matter of seconds. These words come with both a massive feeling of relief and validation, knowing that your symptoms are not just in your head and that you will finally receive the help you deserve. But, along with this relief, comes terrifying thoughts, too many google searches, and the realization that you will have this diagnosis for the rest of your life. Feelings such as anxiety, fear, and loneliness follow with no sense of direction. When looking back at my newly diagnosed self, I wish I could hug her and tell her everything I know now.

It‘s not your fault 

The guilt that comes with a new diagnosis is unexplainable. My mind wandered, time and time again, over what I might have done to cause my diagnosis. Was it loving toaster strudels as a kid and eating a few too many? Was I too stressed at my internship? Was it previous medications that disrupted the microbiome in my gut? The truth is, you can let your mind wander for as long as it wants, but you are NOT the reason behind your illness and you are NOT at fault. Many people, including myself, strongly believe and are determined that everything has a purpose and that everything happens for a reason. Although some may argue this belief, obsessing over what may have caused your diagnosis and blaming yourself will do nothing but harm. Inflammatory bowel disease is not the result of a bad decision or bad karma, and something that is most important to understand is that you are not to blame. Once you come to peace with your diagnosis and become confident in the unknown, you will begin to heal in ways you never have before. 

The importance of your healthcare team 

As a young adult diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, I was scared, lonely and afraid. After years of fighting for a doctor to take me seriously, I felt unworthy of receiving proper treatment and advocating for myself to my healthcare team. With help from a handful of individuals, I slowly realized that I should be looked after by healthcare professionals that listen, support, and are trustworthy. Not only does this apply to gastroenterologists, but also to other medical professionals that make up your healthcare team. If your gastroenterologist does not support you and undermines your symptoms, shop around for a new gastroenterologist that makes you feel comfortable, heard and safe. Additionally, a gastroenterologist is not the only medical professional that should be on your team. If you are able, reach out to a dietician, nutritionist, or naturopath certified in food nutrition to receive guidance on diet, food choices, vitamins, and supplements to support your health. Lastly, do not be afraid to seek out help for your mental health. The stress that comes with a new diagnosis can be extremely heavy, and for some, stress can aggravate GI symptoms and flares. The best decision I made was seeing a therapist to help me through my past traumas and transition into entering society post-diagnosis while dealing with debilitating symptoms. A wide range of healthcare professionals will allow you to thrive and succeed in ways you didn't even know were possible. Here in Canada, dieticians, nutritionists, naturopaths, and therapists are not covered by OHIP. If you do have insurance, these types of professionals are usually covered. If you are not able to cover the costs for these additional healthcare professionals, reach out to your GI to see if there are any subsidized or low-cost options available to you. Also, many universities and colleges offer free or low-cost therapists and nutrition counselling. 

Find your support group 

An Inflammatory Bowel Disease diagnosis is scary and may leave you feeling as if you need to be independent through this journey as you don’t want to burden others. Putting up a wall and pretending like you are fine is something I did more times than I should have after my diagnosis. I had such a hard time being vulnerable and admitting I was not ok. With that being said, the best thing I could have done was confide in a few trusted friends and family members. Opening up to my loved ones allowed me to feel more comfortable asking for help when it was needed and having a safe space to vent. Opening up to my support system allowed me to express my fears and challenges, gave me the opportunity to have someone join me at healthcare appointments and to also receive help when I was flaring. 

If you are located in Canada, Crohn’s and Colitis Canada not only offers regional support groups where you can meet fellow peers with IBD, but they also offer a mentorship program where you have the opportunity to be mentored by someone who is experienced in navigating the hardships of IBD. Additionally, reach out to your schools accessibility centre to find out if there are any IBD groups with individuals around your age to network with. Lastly, joining Facebook or Instagram pages that connect others with IBD is a great way to speak to people who understand what you are going through.

Grief    

As a newly diagnosed young adult, the negative feelings and thoughts of living with a chronic disease for the rest of your life can be endless. Dealing with healthcare appointments and debilitating symptoms that not many other young adults experience can leave you feeling defeated and hopeless. Something important that I have learned throughout my journey is that it’s important to sit in those feelings and take the time you need to process them. Take time to grieve your old life and the life you pictured for yourself, but also remember everything positive that this diagnosis will give you. You will be stronger, resilient, and more empathetic to those around you. You will view the world in such a way that you never have before, and you will become more intuitive with your body and mind through this journey. If your feelings of grief become overwhelming, reach out to a trusted friend, family member or a mental health professional. Although my diagnosis has been challenging to say the least, I promise you there are things my diagnosis has given me that I am beyond grateful for and I wish I was reassured of when I was newly diagnosed. 

To the newly diagnosed IBD warriors, you are amazing, resilient and strong. An unpredictable and serious diagnosis such as IBD will be challenging and difficult, but you are not alone and you never will be.

Emotions and IBD

There are a lot of emotions that come with the diagnosis of any chronic illness, or even any major life change. But laying on the operating table, under the haze and fading twilight of the anesthesia medication exiting my veins, I felt nothing. The echoing silence of the room was heavy all around me. I expected to feel an overflowing stream of emotions flow over me, but instead the most striking sensation of my diagnosis was emptiness. It could have been the drugs dulling my system and my perception of the world. Yet, over time, I’ve started to think that the cause of the void-like feeling around my diagnosis was something incredibly real, and not artificial. The feeling of change is oftentimes so big that it feels like nothing. 

In that hospital room, so much had changed with a simple test. The scale of the moment was beyond comprehension. My parents and I communicated without words, because anything that could have been said would have failed. All the periods, letters, and adjectives in the world would never be enough to frame that point in time. So, somehow and instead, I just knew that I had ulcerative colitis without being told. Shock, and the whole experience, was such a surreal feeling. To know that something has snapped, or broken, or ended, but to be unable to directly confront that realization is off-putting. It was easier to not speak the change aloud, because to speak it into the world would make it extra real. 

In the weeks after my diagnosis, it was as if a light switch had been switched back on. All of the fear, grief, and anger I had missed earlier suddenly now surrounded me. The trauma of illness is such a widespread and varied experience, but it can be difficult to describe and discuss. It’s isolating to feel different, and to feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself. Health is something that most people take for granted or don’t think about. So when it’s taken away from you, its absence becomes the dominant part of your everyday life. The shift in my lifestyle to one focused on health had a significant impact on my mental health. I was in an environment, my freshman year of college, where everyone seems to be testing the limits of their independence. Thus, to feel completely dependent on my unstable day-to-day health felt unfair and tragic. 

It’s a challenge to have the energy to battle painful, and draining symptoms on a daily basis. I learned that adjusting to my illness, and all of the treatment that comes with it, was a major part of my healing journey. On top of that, I realized that acknowledging the emotions I was experiencing was an important part of accepting my illness. It’s normal and natural to be angry, to grieve, and even to be nostalgic for your life prior to diagnosis. In fact, for me, it was the first step towards opening up and connecting with others in the chronic illness community. My experiences, feelings, and my relationship towards my health has been full of highs and lows. Most of all, I’ve learned that the negative and positive emotions I’ve encountered from dealing with illness are all valid. They’ve helped me grow, learn, and evolve as an individual. Every journey is different, and that is perfectly okay.

In the Name of Love: The Importance of Having a Support System

By Erin Dunne

Stomach cramps, constipation, diarrhea, fatigue, low FODMAP diet, gluten-free diet, dairy-free diet, little fat, no sugar, no caffeine, MRIs, CT scans, GI exams, Prednisone, Remicade… the list goes on and on. If you have #IBD, the chances of you encountering at least one of these things at some point in your life is very high. Some individuals have what can be seen as "easier" cases; they are put on a single treatment plan that keeps their symptoms at bay and may even lead to clinical remission. There are others that may jump from treatment plan to treatment plan without seeming to find one that ultimately works for them. Each journey of somebody with IBD is unique, and while we can empathize with others and find comfort in similarities we may share, it is easy to feel alone in this adventure. Despite frustrations we may feel at any given point, it is essential to establish strong relationships to lean into and lift us — relationships with friends, family, professors, and ourselves.

Through love, even the impossible seems practical, and with a disease that is so unpredictable, this rationale is comforting.

I have had Crohn's Disease for thirteen years now, and I can honestly say that through the years, most of my strength has been obtained through my relationships with others. For many years, I was one of the fortunate individuals that often did not feel as though I had an illness. I took two pills a day, was not restricted to a specific way of eating, and experienced few symptoms. Compared to my friends around me, the only difference between us was that I had to take medicine at certain times of the day and had monthly doctors' appointments. Despite these minor differences, I still felt isolated from others my age. In my world, I was the only person I knew with IBD and had no idea of the various severities of the same condition. It wasn't until I attended Camp Oasis- Michigan that my eyes were finally opened, and I no longer felt alone in this journey.

My third summer at Camp Oasis. Can you spot me and CCYAN Admin, Sneha?

Throughout my time at camp, I met so many people with different stories, and I was fascinated by every one of them. Not only was it wonderful to be able to relate with others my age but also to idolize the older campers and counselors for how strong they were. I returned to camp for four summers and connected with so many lovely individuals throughout the years that have helped shape my life; some of which I still am in contact with!

I highly recommend trying to include people that have experienced IBD into your support system because not only do you gain more love in your life, but also people that get what you're going through! If you're anything like me and don't have family members or friends that are familiar with the disease, it can be hard to share stories, concerns, even successes without feeling like they're not entirely understood. (Sorry mom for the various bowel movement updates, but thanks for listening!) Getting in contact with others can be very easy! Communities like CCYAN, CCFA, Camp Oasis, and any groups through universities, hospitals are all great places to start. While each story is different, we are far more alike than you would think.

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Although I mentioned earlier that I had considered myself lucky to have an easier time with Crohn's, the past two years have been anything but that. With being on the same medication for most of my life, it stopped being effective and could no longer support the inflammation in my system. I have been dealing with a reoccurring flare since and have gone through various forms of treatment to try to tame my symptoms. At first, I had become more aware of food intolerances, often experiencing diarrhea, severe bloating, and severe stomach cramps. Through trial and error, I have found a diet based on whole foods (vegetables, fruit, fish, poultry, nuts) makes me feel my best but I am still finding things that do not agree with my body (rip mangoes… you will be missed). I am currently taking Humira but am exploring other medication options. Even with all of the changes I have implemented to ease my symptoms, I know I can experience much better and strive to heal my body as much as possible.

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I would be lying if I said I was always hopeful during this process of finding a treatment that my body reacts best to. There have been times I have broken down due to being so frustrated with not seeing or feeling any improvement; sometimes I can feel as though I am my childhood self upon the first diagnosis, scared and alone. At my lowest times, it can be easiest to isolate myself and wallow in my self-pity, but luckily, I have learned that my support group of friends and family, although they can't relate on a personal level, are always there to listen and help to the best of their ability. Being away from home for school, I am not able to lean on my family as much as I would have in the past. Although I have always been independent, it is comforting to know that I have loved ones around that are there for me through my struggles and my successes (never underestimate the power of a hug). I have been blessed to find another form of a family at Spring Arbor through wonderful friends that I love with all of my heart. Even though we have not known each other long, it is as though I have known them a lifetime. They go through my problems alongside me, help me come up with solutions, and act as my parents when I am sick and unable to leave my dorm room.

A few weeks ago, I was experiencing terrible symptoms; I was trapped in my bathroom the majority of the weekend and did not have much of an appetite. My friends knew I was not able to walk to the Dining Commons, so they took it upon themselves to bring me bananas and easy to digest, bland foods. Another day, I had expressed frustration with not having a doctor at the moment and feeling as though my current treatment plan was not working. My friend spent her afternoon going through scholarly articles and websites to find information on healing diets, fixing nutrient imbalances, and alternative healing techniques. Other times, when we are eating out or visiting someones home, they make sure I have something I will be able to eat. To say I feel loved and fulfilled is an understatement! I cannot stress enough the importance of having a support system in your life.

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Whether you're currently dealing with IBD, mental illness, body image, etc, being able to express love for others as well as receive love from them is beneficial for your brain and your well-being! It does not matter what the size of your support system is or who is in it, as long as these individuals support and love you and are positive additions to your life. I hope while reading this you have thought of a few people that are currently in your life that help you each day, even in the littlest way. I encourage you to reach out to them and let them know how much they are appreciated! If you have interest in growing your circle or want to start one, as I have previously mentioned, there are plenty of ways to get involved and meet people from your area, different states, and even around the world. The ladies at CCYAN would love to hear your stories, connect with you and help in any way possible. Feel free to contact me with any questions, or if you simply want to talk!

Stay Lovely,

Erin