By Erin Ard
Living a life with inflammatory bowel disease is in one word, unpredictable. For Crohn's disease, you pretty much do what you can to control the inflammation in your body by controlling your food intake and working with your gastroenterologist on what treatment methods to use. Not to mention, dealing with any other additional complications or side effects. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease 10 years ago now and I've learned a lot about strength, resiliency, and the imperfection of the human body. Since my diagnosis, I've learned a lot about my body and my disease including how to accept all of its flaws. But because reality tells me I will deal with this disease for the rest of my life, my journey with Crohn’s is not over yet so there is still so much more to learn.
My journey with Crohn's started back in high school and honestly, I had no idea what would be in store for me. When I was finally sent to see a specialist, we would drive over an hour to my gastroenterology appointments. I started out taking mercaptopurine to suppress my immune system but quickly advanced to Remicade as a long-term treatment. On Remicade, I finally felt like myself again – at least a version of myself with additional manifestations of my Crohn's. The joint pain and short-lived fevers still persist, even today. It has been 8 years since I started on Remicade and a lot has happened over those years. I finished high school, moved away from home, and started college at the University of Wisconsin - Madison. Since starting college I've learned a lot more about myself as an individual and how Crohn's affects my life as a whole. In fact, it has changed since I was diagnosed and achieved remission the first time around.
I moved through the years mostly symptom-free. With only the rare stomach ache, but still able to maintain your daily routines. I knew precisely how my daily life would change if my disease was active. I valued the time I had thinking I could eat what I wanted without repercussion or go on a long run without my joint pain forcing me to limp the remaining distance. When your Crohn's is in remission, you have the freedom to eat delicious - maybe not so Crohn's-compliant - foods. You may even plan travel trips into your year with minimized anxiety of having an episode. I had the freedom to do all of these things! Since 2019 started, I tackled my vision board ideas by cooking more from scratch, trying out healthy recipes in my Insta Pot, and booking my first flight on a plane! Followed by several more flights to exciting new locations I hadn’t dreamed of experiencing because of the travel-anxiety instilled by my Crohn’s. For a woman in her early 20s with Crohn’s disease, I was crushing it! Then a few reality checks later, the unpredictability of IBD set in and I learned an important lesson. That no matter how far into remission you've gotten, odds are you might flare-up again in the future.
Photo by Evie Shaffer from Pexels
This sad truth is where I found myself recently. For the last few months, I've felt pretty off. I was getting more frequent belly pains, indigestion, irregular bowel movements, and my joints were starting to bother me more. I had originally attributed all of my symptoms to not eating well, which was a naïve thing to believe.. In retrospect, I had been struggling to stay in remission for the past couple of years. With the way that Remicade infusions worked over my 8 week time period, I would started getting symptoms again around week 7. That last week was a familiar struggle which included neglecting some of my responsibilities at school. I would end up skipping a class here or calling into work there - each pretty understandable given the circumstances but I still regretted having to do. About a year ago I went in for another colonoscopy (my third so far) because of these recurring symptoms and because my last one was towards the beginning of my diagnosis. The results didn't come back perfect, of course. They found some inflammation in my distal colon and the opening to my small intestine, which would explain my irregularity, stomach pain, and indigestion. I was told my gastroenterologist would be in touch to discuss what my next steps would be. After that visit, everything concerning my disease went on hold for awhile. In other words, life happened. My obligations for school and work started to take over my free time. Being the Crohnie I am, my limited will power from the fatigue would have me put the small tasks off until the following day. Meaning my health was put on a back-burner because they would always be put off until the “next day.” I was still receiving infusions every 8 weeks and conquering through my days, so I didn’t jeopardize my self-efficacy. I felt able to accomplish whatever I set my mind on. Eventually I started to wonder what my prognosis would turn into if I continued living this way. So I finally scheduled that appointment, this time with the gastroenterologist that performed my last colonoscopy.
Since I've started this fellowship with #CCYAN - the Crohn's and Colitis Young Adults Network, I've read so much about other people's experience and learned the expansive symptomology of inflammatory bowel disease in other bodies. Since the start of the year I realized how crucial it is to maintain your disease to prevent complications or necessary surgery in the future. Heading into the new year, my new outlook will be focused on achieving remission and maintaining a healthy body, any way I can. Let me share with you what my Crohn’s-related New Year’s resolutions are for 2020..
Learn to accept the unpredictable.
The first resolution I’d like to explore more is in how I think. Because Crohn’s can be so unpredictable, accepting this as a fact of the disease may help uncontrollable events feel less traumatizing. When you can learn to seek solutions or simply see the positive rather drowning in the self pity, loathing, disgust or whatever you might feel, you will feel a bit more at ease. It takes so much energy worrying about what "could" happen in the future. Like what "might" happen if you venture away from the privacy of your home and go to the movies today. Or "if" you might have the urge to go on an airplane while the bathroom is busy. Or "if" you don't make it to the toilet on time. Events like these are bound to happen and throw you for a loop if you aren't prepared. I should clarify that learning to how to accept and not worry about the future doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't prepare for anything and everything. Because the first thing we all learn with IBD is that preparation is key to surviving any traumatic bathroom incident!
To take initiative when it comes to my well-being and body's health.
The second resolution involves how take action when Crohn’s is clearly affecting my body. My bad habits of binge-eating sugary treats or ordering high-fat take-out when I’m not feeling well starts to become routine when I don’t take responsibility for some of the fall out. I’d like to learn how to better take initiative to prevent consequences or make the most of my recovery. This means staying in close contact with my gastroenterologist about any trouble I’m having, not eating foods I know will quarantine me in the bathroom the next day, and keeping track of my symptoms, as tedious as that might be.
Recently I received not-so-great news from my gastroenterologist and it felt like my world was collapsing. After I took a calprotectin test which showed an adequate amount of inflammation, she told me that my Crohn's was flaring up again. It took me a bit to realize that what I was experiencing was actually long-lived. I had started getting symptoms months prior and it took me too long to get back on track. Something simple that could have helped me notice something sooner would have been a food log, which unfortunately, I don't have a lot of experience in carrying out. However, I do see their value and hope that this next year I can explore this path and hone in on what my exact food triggers are and how my body changes throughout the year. If you are now interested in doing the same, see this article on How to Use a Food Diary to Help Manage Crohn’s Symptoms and Flares from Everyday Health. I might not go as far as weighing my food, but at least I will get an idea of what food leads to which symptom.
My disease will change as much as I do.
This is one thing I needed to accept my disease started to flare up again. I was caught up in the idea that I had achieved remission and that everything would stay relatively constant. I just couldn’t see myself going through what I had in high school again, when my Crohn’s had surfaced. Since then it’s been a constant flow and I tried to push any thought that the disease would hold me back aside - which was an advantage for the time-being. However, this also kept me from growing because I just shut everything out. I wasn’t able to harness the power of vulnerability in having an illness to accept myself as I am and love my body.
After spending the last 8+ years in remission, with only some minor episodes, finding out my disease was flaring up again came as a shock to me. I've noticed that I'm the type of person who is apprehensive around big life changes. I like how things are going, I am comfortable with how everything is, and if I have to suffer through it a little, I am fine with that. However, this kind of mindset wouldn't suffice anymore and I've been realizing that more and more every day. My doctor and I have been working hard to put my disease back into remission. I'm trying some new medication out and taking everything new in day by day. IBD is so specific to every person, so how it presents itself or progresses is going to look different in all of us. And as all of us grow into young adults and beyond, our disease will change over time as well. For the better, or not so much.
My body will do some weird things, just learn to go with it.
You would think having to deal with gut pain would be enough, but there are so many other things that can factor in! The most common list of symptoms for Crohn's disease include abdominal pain, diarrhea, and fatigue. But the lesser known, indirectly related symptoms should also include weird noises, smells, urgency and accidents. Your gut will make loud gas-y noises while it’s quiet in the office. You will have to take frequent, unexpected breaks when the urgency gets the better of you. And the unfortunate reality is that sometimes, you won't make it to the bathroom in time.
The most healing part of my being more vulnerable this past year, was accepting these symptoms as they were instead of trying to control them. Because when I’d try to control them, I would get gut upset, constipation, or even more uncomfortable. I eventually started to tell people that yes, I have had accidents in the past and brushed this confession off like it was normal. Humor always goes a long way in these situations. Because of the healing I’ve already had, I want to pursue this resolution in 2020 as well to see my body’s flaws in a new light.
My hope is that you will find some inspiration to create your own list of resolutions for yourself. Whether they are similar to mine or completely different! Join me in making a resolution list for yourself this year and we can both actively improve our life with IBD together!
